This is Hard Y’all

This last week was really hard. We were kinda holding it together. The setbacks would hit, we’d feel disappointed, sad or frustrated…but then we’d find some perspective, some new strategy to get us through. But then last weekend happened. I’ve tried to write about it a couple times this week, but my mind has been in a whirl of thoughts and I haven’t been able to settle it enough to put it into words. So, here’s what’s been happening.

I think you already know that that the beaches are closed, the restaurants are closed (only a couple are doing takeout), the streets are deserted, they are not selling alcohol here, the boys are out of school, our condo is super small and it is HOT here. Think 95 degrees and the humidity is rising. The pool had technically closed, but we had worked out an arrangement with other residents to take turns in the pool. So, we were still getting in every afternoon and it was a life saver. Boys could be active while staying cool. We’d play different games throwing the ball around and Matt and boys would play “King of the Ledge” where the boys would work together to try to pull/wrestle/drag Matt off a ledge in the pool. Plus, I was swimming life-affirming laps everyday. Things were tough, but our afternoons in the pool were really helping to provide a break in the day and get everyone outside despite the heat.

As, you know from my last post, we knew we had to get through this week and maybe next. We had sort of steeled ourselves for what lay ahead. We knew the boys would not have school, but we had a rough plan to get through it. So, we focused our minds on the target that lay ahead. Two weeks. We just had to get through two weeks. Then at least some things would start to return to normal. And surely by the end of the month everything would be back to normal.

You can probably sense the fall that is about to happen.

So, last Saturday we were in the pool and the guard came and told us that somebody in one of the other units called the office and complained about us being in the pool and that we needed to get out.

Then, on Sunday the Director of the boy’s school e-mailed everyone to say that they would not be returning to the school building after the break and that they would continue online school for the rest of the month of April. I e-mailed her back (in desperation) to find out if she had any idea if they would return to the building at the beginning of May. She informed me that the Ministry of Education had just closed public schools for the rest of this year, that because they are private they don’t have to follow that, but they do need to follow the Ministry of Health which has restricted any gatherings.

This really hit me hard. The boys may not go back to the actual school building here. Ever. They may have online school for the rest of the school year. We may have come to Costa Rica for five months, only to spend three of the five months doing online school in a tiny condo. Oh God. This is not what we came here for. I had been coping because I had thought that we just needed to get through this weird period in the middle of our trip, that things would be back to normal, that we would get the things back that we had grown to love and appreciate…that we would get to watch the sunset with a cocktail in hand, that we would play in the waves, that we would meet up for cocktails with our new friends, that we would continue to build those relationships, that we would spend afternoons in the pool, that we would get back into the golf cart and drive the boys to school, that we would eat at our favorite restaurants, that we would continue to travel and explore Costa Rica. For the first time, I let the big fear in…or perhaps more accurately I couldn’t keep the big fear out any longer. Maybe this is it? Maybe things will not go back to the way they were…for the rest of this entire experience. This tiny little world we are trapped in may not change for TWO MORE MONTHS…until it’s time to go home. The disappointment. The frustration. The anger. When I think of how hard we worked to make this happen, when I think of all the hopes we had for what this experience would bring us and then this happens. I feel so angry, so frustrated, so…devastated.

For the first time, I started thinking about coming home. I just don’t know if I can do “this” until June. But, I also realize that coming ‘home’ does not necessarily solve things. We still don’t have a home to come home to, we still don’t have health care in the States and there are still massive restrictions at home. But, somehow it still holds an allure. At least it would be different, at least we could do something about THIS, at least we could exert some kind of control over our situation, at least we could get the boys out during the day because the temperatures would be more comfortable. I started thinking that maybe we just get through April, then if things aren’t better, maybe we do go home in May? Boys can just as easily do online school from there as they can from here. So that’s where my thinking has been. Get through April, and if things don’t really get better, then maybe…

Then, as I was typing this, I thought I would check the Alaska Airlines website to check on availability of flights at the beginning of May. They had suspended all flights until May 4th. When I got on, I couldn’t find any flights going to Portland the 5th of the May, the 12th of May, the 19th of May…the 26th of May. Then, I checked their travel restriction page and saw that they had just extended their travel restrictions to/from Costa Rica…through May 31st.